Courage versus kindness in workplace conversations
We all struggle with those ‘difficult’ conversations in the workplace right? I certainly have been challenged by them, no matter what my position or what organization I was working in. So what’s the problem?
As we wind along the management/leadership path we often find ourselves in situations where we need have a ‘tough’ conversation. These are the conversations where you need to talk to a team member about:
improving her performance
taking on a new project or role that you know he may not want to do
being in a role that may not be a good fit for the person or the organization
not being selected for a promotion or other opportunity.
These are tricky conversations to have because the person may not be aware of the issue or may disagree with your views and any decision flowing from them. So what do you do?
Sometimes, I have avoided the discussion and procrastinated – ‘I’m too busy, maybe it will improve, maybe the person will find another job, too many other priorities’. At other times, I have danced around it and had several conversations where I have tried to be kind, but have not been very clear as a result. This has left the person confused, and me frustrated that nothing changes. Or I have delegated or shifted the issue sideways to others who may not be directly accountable for the person.
Underlying these strategies, there is often an inner voice of fear saying ‘if I have that conversation, then the person may blame me, not like me, or argue against my decision, causing further issues to be managed.’
They are all possible. But the risks of these things happening are far outweighed by the risks of NOT having the tough conversations.
Part of our responsibilities as leaders and managers is to act courageously and make decisions. We should not aim for all team members to like us. Our friends are the people who like us, and our families too hopefully - but not always!
Our job is to have these conversations in the best interests of our organisations and all team members. Left unsaid, poor performance impacts on a whole team and infects team morale. Not being clear when you expect someone to take on a new role or project and it’s not up for discussion can cause delays and inefficiencies while you consult, knowing your decision won’t change.
When we duck the issue and don’t hold one of our people to the same standards we expect of others, it also undermines our credibility as a fair and consistent leader with the rest of our team.
Most people yearn for meaningful feedback, particularly positive. Not-so-good feedback can be less welcome, but it’s how we learn and grow. So, by not giving it we are actually doing the person a disservice, as well as the team and organisation to which they belong. We should also welcome and encourage feedback from our teams.
At the same time, we can have these conversations with kindness. Not the drippy type of kindness where you smile and nod while delivering a tough message about someone’s performance.
Rather the type of kindness that is underpinned by the courage to:
Have the conversation
Be explicit and specific in what you are saying – referring to situational examples where possible
Explain your rationale for any decisions and be honest when it’s not up for negotiation
Provide an opportunity for the person to ask questions and put their perspective on the situation and listen carefully to them
Be crystal clear about your expectations and what the person can expect from you as their manager
Frame one off mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow and share some of your own mistakes
Offer support for the person to change or develop where appropriate
Agree with them on next steps and timeframes and check that the person has the same understanding on outcomes of the conversation.
There’s plenty of great information online about how to have effective conversations.
And the first step is deciding to have them with kindness AND courage.
